One Liners

1. What do you call two gay Mexicans playing basketball?  
Juan on Juan.

2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

4. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

5. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

6. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

7. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

8. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

9. How did the tugboat get AIDs?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

10. Define "Egghead:"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

11. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

12. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

13. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

14. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

15. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

16. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

17. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

18. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

19. A brunette, a blond, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blond, because she's 18.

20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

21. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

22. What did the blond say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

23. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

24. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

25. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

26. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

27. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

28. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

29. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

30. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

31. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

32. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

33. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

34. My, my, how times have changed... Years ago...
When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
today they call it the PGA TOUR.

35. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Author Unknown  

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