If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass
and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names
of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."